The Magic of the 5th Decade

So you’ve heard me talking about turning 50, and how it’s a magical number in my life. So much so, that I’d like to share with you the magic that has happened – just in the course of a few weeks! I decided that I deserved to give myself some presents – and so that is exactly what I did. Feel free to follow suit.

First off, I gave myself a mammography. I know, I know, don’t be jealous. Being pulled and prodded and moved into shapes that play-dough couldn’t achieve is my relaxing way of spending a weekday morning. I love the cute little hospital gowns that don’t close, and the way that my whole body just “wakes up” when my parts hit that cold, cold machine. It was a special time for me – and I had to share it with you.

Next up is in two days. You guessed it. My colonoscopy. I know, I live on the wild side. I’m kind of bummed about this one, because my close friend and I decided to do this rite of passage together. She bailed, and I am alone, choking down Dulcolax pills by the handful…and waiting for the inevitable. She is sitting in a wine bar drinking cabernet. Traitor.

This is a three day process, for those of you that are colon-challenged. It takes awhile to get it all out I guess. So tomorrow is the day I start the Miralax. Nasty, nasty stuff. They say it has no taste. Whoever “they” are – well, let’s just say that “they” are lying. Big time. You are supposed to mix it with clear liquid…so of course I’m thinking maybe Grey Goose or Chardonnay. No problem. Then I read the dang fine print. No alcohol. Kill joys.

I’ve obviously not had the actual test yet – though since my husband has to drive me home, I’m thinking/hoping/praying the drugs are fantastic and I won’t remember a dadgum thing about the procedure. The best thing about this? My husband can no longer tell me that I am “full of it” – ha!

What is next you may ask? Well, I’ll give you a tiny hint. Those of you 50 plus women that hold your breath anytime you sneeze or do jumping jacks will understand this one: no more leaky valves!

So in honor of my half-century mark, I’m getting all my plumbing fixed, my mammary parts examined and having a rotor router job done to complete the picture. I plan on living for another fifty years at least. I will be the one having wheel chair races and playing strip poker in my assisted living home. Can’t do that unless I keep all the parts tuned up, right? So as I hold my breath and drink the dreaded stuff, I say “cheers” to this magical, wonderful fifth decade of life. Can anyone point me to the nearest bathroom?